jookitcz: (sexy hat)
Oooooh, by the way, I never said, but my grades were excellent this semester, considering how much I took on, how much Calculus was strangling me to death, and how resigned I was to the B's and C's I saw on the mid-semester report.  But I, to use the best phrase, really pulled up my socks.

As follows:

Principles of Finance A-      
Work, Wages, and Inequality A      
Managerial Economics A      
Modern Japan A      
Calculus-Analytic Geometry III B      
Management and Organization A

So, that's pretty awesome of me.  And next semester, I'm taking:

Statistics for the Experimentalist
Fundamentals of Mathematics
Christian Spirituality
Philosophy of Tolkien
Business Forecasting (Econometrics)
and Junior Colloquium, which is about... technology?  I think?

And it looks like a super-light load.  Maybe I'll tack on an advanced finance course, or something.  I mean, how hard can it be?  (she writes, forgetting all about her emotional state of last semester, the lure of achievement slowly sucking her back into the maelstrom of despair).
jookitcz: (Default)
Economics and the Environment:

In the late 1980s and through the 1990s, there was astonishingly effective international action taken against the production of CFCs, which were depleting the ozone layer.  This action was propelled by unanimous public concern, especially in the United States and Britain.  Ozone depletion was most severe at the poles--that is, closest to the world's most developed, most powerful, and most white countries.  It would be these countries that suffered most from the effects, not only because of their proximity but also because their skin pigmentation (and lack thereof) put them at higher risk for skin cancer.

Today, climate change is at least as much a threat as ozone depletion, maybe more, but there is no unanimity in the world's powerful countries to take definitive action to combat it. 

Interestingly, it will be the developing countries in the equatorial and southern latitudes that will be worst hit by the problems accompanying climate change, while richer countries possess economic resources sufficient to cushion the blow.

Coincidence?  Why be too scared, when the worst disasters will be hitting someone else?

On a different note, I have my schedule for next semester:

Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays:
10:00 Calculus III
11:00 Work, Wages, and Inequality
12:45 Management and Organization (MW only)
2:10 Modern Japan

Tuesdays, Thursdays
10:00 Calculus III (Tue only)
11:00 Principles of Finance
12:45 Costume Construction
2:10 Managerial Economics

Seven classes again.  Hopefully Costume Construction won't assign much homework?


Feb. 22nd, 2007 12:33 am
jookitcz: (the last unicorn)
I think I've reached critical mass as far as stress goes.  Between too many classes, too much time owned by Mock Trial, housing, money, job searching, and major rethinking, at some point in the last couple days something in my brain snapped, and was like, "Deal."  So I looked for scholarships, wrote a couple papers, did my Accounting homework, my Econ homework, my other Econ homework, triaged my reading assignments, and reduced my spending. 

I haven't updated for a while because my brain and emotions were wrapped up in handling the excess demand on their resources, and because a lot of that demand was unnecessary.  I get overwhelmed.  If I let myself be unconfident, if I get a stowaway my running inner narrative that says to me, "Oh, god, I can't do this," then the whole ship buckles.  At a couple points, I looked at the future and actually felt like there was no real need to live it.  It was just going to be mind-dulling and hateful, and I was always going to regret not going into a tangible, useful field like medicine or (eek) engineering.

Today Dr. Henrickson mentioned something I had forgotten.  I could get my doctorate in economics.  And something I hadn't considered, somehow.  I could teach economics, at a university.  Not many people get econ PhDs, apparently.  Apparently, there is demand.  It would be a fantastic job.  My dream job, maybe.  I've never actually had a dream job before.  But--why not?  It pays well enough, I would have some kind of creative license, I would get three months a year to do my own research and write papers, I would have influence...

Do you know what having a goal does?  It aligns everything that made you wonder, 'Why bother?'  It funnels all of the energy that was just flailing around into something useful, a mental bottle.  And nothing seems like it is too unfortunate to be borne. 

So this:  I plan on packing up and moving my Economics major to the School of Business, to be a concentration.  I plan on adding a major in Accounting, which will suck.  It might take me an extra semester to finish school.  I will probably be teased and will probably, at some point, have my feelings hurt, because I am not majoring in something deemed artistically acceptable.  Liberal arts majors do not hold people going to university solely to increase their human capital in high regard.

But in the long run, I'll be happy.  Which is why this entry gets the unicorn icon, because it is happy.  And I should maybe admit that I wrote an entry only so that I could use the icon, but making myself write a happy entry resulted in my being happy, so really, the Unicorn caused my happiness.

That just makes me happier.
jookitcz: (Default)
I really am stupid, you know.  At least by now, I should know the foolishness of suggesting to my parents any career or education choice that does not mesh with their already set-out ideas of what is successful.  Teach for America got a resounding, I quote, "That's bullshit.  No," from my mother, along with a disproportionate serving of recriminations that I should even suggest doing something non-profit-oriented with my parentally-funded education (and life). 

And guess what?  She successful made me feel guilty.   Looking at that objectively, that's ridiculous!  She made me feel heart-wrenchingly guilty about wanting to do something good for other people!  And I can't make the guilt go away now.  Not only do I feel guilty about wanting to join the program, I additionally feel guilty about bringing up the topic at all, because, said Mom, "I don't want to talk about this, Jessie.  I have enough stress right now, don't you think?"

I was feeling really happy pre-conversation, too, undepressified for the first time in weeks of gratuitous mood-swings.  I was feeling glad and in control and extremely confident of my own abilities.  So long, mental springtime.  I leave you so that I may languish in the knowledge that I have proven to my parents that I am selfish, childish, short-sighted and stupid.  They have no confidence in me.  Why should they?  I've never done anything in my life to show myself deserving of confidence.

There's a part of my brain that's hugely affected by this.  It's shivering like it's been beaten, and muttering to itself, "I'm a failure and I've never done anything that a failure couldn't do and I'm always going to fail and I'm going to ruin everything for everyone" and similar things in that vein.  It's a pretty small part, luckily.  The rest of me just feels cold and tired about it.

I do wish I could get that confidence back.  It was a good feeling.  I didn't realize that it was so fragile, but I guess the nature of confidence is that you wouldn't realize something like that.

The future looks bleak, my friends. 
jookitcz: (Default)
My classes this semester are so far living up to all of my wildest dreams.  It's amazing, especially after last semester, in which half of my teachers left me angry and frustrated, and the other half bored me into a stupor. 

This semester, though, they're all pretty happy and enthusiastic.  And I don't feel isolated in any of my classes like I did last semester, since business classes tended to be filled with business majors, with whom I... haven't connected socially?  But I have friends in all of my classes now, which is definitely a plus.

Economics of Environmental Protection, oddly, isn't my dream class, like I imagined it would be.  It has potential, but so far we've only covered elements of the subject that I already understand, and basic microeconomics principles.  It's frustrating that in both Env. Econ and Intermediate Macro, the professors find it necessary to review.  I mean, 201 and 202 are prerequisites for a reason, non?  But it's interesting, and dove-tails neatly with the other courses I'm taking.

Intermediate Macro is more fun than I thought it would be, only because of Dr. Bennet.  He's this lanky older man with a short going-white beard and a voice like Merlin from the Disney Sword and the Stone.  Seriously.  And these wild blue eyes that blink furiously and open really wide when he gets excited about the economy, which is about 99 times per 75 minute class.  And he waves the chalk around.  It's amazing.   Otherwise, I'm sure it would be the longest class in my schedule.

Lucky for me, it's followed by Global Environmental Politics.  Which, OMG.  It's a class all about environmental issues.  It's like not even being in a class.  It's like sitting down and getting filled with everything I want to learn about.  Like biocentrism.  I like biocentrism.  And Malthusian Corrections.  It's just fascinating.

So, I feel less busy than I really am, considering that three nights a week are blocked up with 3-hour long evening classes (well, one Colloquium and two mock trial practices.)  I sleep well.  Although it's weird, the last couple weeks I've been plagued by bizarre bouts of depression that tackle out of nowhere, crush my brain for a while, and then wither.  Sourceless, mostly.  I'm prescribing myself a potted plant and some artificial UV light.  And pictures of puppies.  And--see?  I feel weird and sad right now, and I don't know why.

Except I'm a little homesick.  And scared.  And I don't really like sleeping alone in my room anymore, but whatever.  Grow up, eh?
jookitcz: (Default)
Spring 2007:  21 credits plus Mock Trial, i.e. 27 classroom hours per week, plus homework.

: Optimistic, with a slight chance of panic.

: Be more social.  Do not allow trepidation to win.

The Las Vegas trip left me happier than I've been for some time.
    I rearranged the furniture in my room yesterday into a more psychologically healthy configuration.
    Three days a week, my first class is at 1:00 PM.
    Env. Econ, Intermediate Macro, and Global Env. Politics all in a row!
    Only two classes on Friday!
    Ethics with the honors kids?
    Spring is coming.

    I'm behind in Mock Trial.  Yikes.
    My muscles hurt.  I moved the furniture by myself!
    9:00 Accounting 261 is going to be pretty skip-tempting.
    I'm missing some books.
    Ethics + Religion Block:  All Honors, All the Time...
    It's fricking freezing.

But overall?  I have classes in the subjects that interest me most.  And that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.


Dec. 13th, 2006 01:36 pm
jookitcz: (Default)
My plan: not allowing myself to eat until I finish this accounting problem. I am so hungry. Incentives, incentives, incentives. My accounting exam is tomorrow and I haven't studied at all yet and there are thirteen ratios that I must hammer into my memory and three chapters that I must read and a dozen exercises to do and my notes say "go here for review" and point to the now-cryptic letters "CO. DO. XI."

One more final to go. This is the first year ever that I have studied for all my finals, and it's the strangest sensation. Much like running, but mentally, and don't look back! Ngh.

I should reread some of the earlier stuff too, like calculating Cost of Goods sold. And... suddenly, I can't remember anything from the last three months of Accounting! What is this??

debits and credits. debits and credits. debits and credits.

Debt to total assets ratio?

Reporting Stockholders Equity?  Statements of Cash Flows?  DO!  DO means Discontinued Operations!  And XI is Extraordinary Items!  CO remains mysterious.  Certainly not Comprehensive Income.  Comprehensive Operations?  Complaints of Otters?  Why am I taking this subject?  Why do grades matter to me?  Is housing going to be horribly expensive next year?  Am I making good decisions? 

I might study all night.  I don't need socialization.  Or food.


Dec. 12th, 2006 06:26 pm
jookitcz: (Default)
Statistics is making me angry. We spent one class on regression, just one, just the last one, and somehow the topic of regression makes up more than half of the sample test that he posted. WHAT THE FUCK. And half of what's on there wasn't even covered during class, and looks 100% foreign.

Angry, angry, angry. He better take my rage into consideration when he makes the real final. What happened to hypothesis testing, huh?

(In other news: I love trees.)
jookitcz: (Default)
Information Systems (non-cumulative, magnitude=5) - Sad to say, this is probably my shakiest subject, simply because the class is pure fluff. I learned nothing all semester, save for a smattering of HTML and a certainty that this is NOT what I want to do with my life. The vocabulary sucks, because it's all business jargon that looks mostly the same: legacy system, decision support system, management information system, enterprise resource planning, blah, blah, blah. The test is only on the last three chapters, so I'll just read them over, and I should be good to go.

Philosophy of Human Nature (non-cumulative, magnitude=3) - I'll miss Father Ryan's vague, quirky verbal abuse of his students, but not the rambling lectures. Test is on the Subject, which I didn't read, but I've aced all his other tests sans reading the material, so I'm just going to go over the study questions and vocab.

Studies in Drama (cumulative, magnitude=7) - You can't study for an English exam. I'm only going to read over some of the plays that my memory is sketchier around. Which reminds me of that age-old question: why do they offer a BA in English, and not a BS?

Business Statistics (not cumulative!, magnitude=5) - Yeah. Gonna haveta study. Although I rock at hypothesis testing liek whoa. All of those z-scores and t-scores and normalizing the mean... Sadly, stats is finally the math sub-subject that I don't intuitively understand. So obviously it's dumb, right? No doctorate in economics for me.

Accounting (not cumulative, magnitude=6) Not only will I study, but I'll do practice problems as well. Having struggled all semester with the question of whether it is more shameful to ace or to fail Principles of Accounting I, I have chosen the course of action which is kinder to my GPA.

2:00 AM
Board the train, sleep, arrive at home. The idea is surreal to me.
jookitcz: (Default)
Spanish pirates attacking and kiss scenes and swelling orchestral music in black and white--I found the film of Captain Blood when I was trawling the Foley library for A Doll's House.  Anthony Hopkins makes a very disagreeable Torvald.  Unlike Dr. Peter Blood, he has no charm nor class, and lacks the uncanny ability to see his way through to the end of his plot struggles.  Peter Blood is a deus ex machina in and out of himself.  The plot stands no chance against his keen intellect and sparkling dialogue.  It swoons in the face of Errol Flynn's dimples. 

Wikipedia untangles a mystery: "In like Flynn" refers to Errol Flynn's success in romantic endeavors. 

I heart Wikipedia.  Does that make me a polyamorist?

Because it's edited by so many different people.  Haha.

I'm way sleepy.  You may notice.  Unfortunately, the System means that I register for classes at midnight + one minute.  And there are only two places left in Economics of Environmental Protection, but I swear, if I have to murder an upperclassman, I will get into that class.  It has been the light at the end of this semester's academic tunnel.  It is the only thing that makes me drag myself from Statistics to Accounting to Business Management Information Systems as my brain slowly liquifies and drains out my ears.

Brain juice dripping down the sides of my neck.  It's terribly embarassing. 

Economics of Environmental Protection.  Say it with me.  It combines the two things I love best about the world.  And it's so alliterative, and multisyllabic.  Like three little sets of bells.  Mmmm.  And the professor is supposed to be fantastic.  Environmental Economics is his focus.  Maybe he'll be my advisor.  Six more minutes.  If I don't get in, I'm totally writing a letter of plea.  And plaguing the registrar's office.  And complaining to everyone who will come near me sans headphones because--

Three more minutes.

Come on, baby.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

My life has become a black pit of despair. 


jookitcz: (Default)

July 2010

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