Jul. 5th, 2010

jookitcz: (Default)
I received the results for my most recent (third) actuarial exam, the MFE. 3 out of 10, where passing is a six. I am unsurprised, but hugely disheartened. There is nothing like failing at something that you work very hard at, but don't actually care about.

I used to feel fine about stumbling at my job, because I felt like my job was really difficult, and stumbling was to be expected. A year later, though, when most of my stumbles are the result of missing details (oh, I needed to adjust the coding to apply the prepayment credit to each of the quarterly required contributions because it now covers all four after removing the 413 adjustment? how did I not see that?) I just feel like I am secretly a brain-dead zombie, all the time. Like my real brain is wrapped in wax and suffocating.

The problem is this: working as an actuary is the best decision I could possibly make. I am so lucky to have this job! I am in the 99th percentile of being infinitely fortunate! I work in a beautiful building with reasonable people making a pretty fantastic starting salary for someone with only a bachelor's degree with a huge potential for earning promotions and raises and all that.

I also feel like I enter a stasis pod for nine hours a day, five days a week, in which I am conscious but not really alive.

It is possible that I am a spoiled brat who misinterprets her self-imposed discontent as a desire for abstracts like "meaningful interactions" or "intellectual fulfillment." Possibly, I am just too lazy.

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jookitcz

July 2010

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